Coming to terms with the economy

My dad grew up very poor. He was born on the heels of the Great Depression and times were hard. His father’s drinking further complicated the general welfare of the family. Dad was the oldest, and he and his younger brother learned how to earn money from a very early age in order to get their most basic needs met. He had some great stories and took pride in the fact that he rose above his upbringing. He wanted his kids to have more than he did. It was for this reason that he spoiled us a bit too much.

Dad was a multi-tasker and had an incredible work ethic. He started out selling Fuller Brush door to door. He went into the insurance business and later opened up his own independent agency. He purchased a large quantity of land which he simultaneously farmed, developed, and contracted into a subdivision during a building boom in the 70’s. Dad seemed to have the Midas touch.

When my brother, Frank, turned 15, he got his first car. Hotrods were the “in” thing in the mid 70’s so he chose a 68 Dodge Charger (like the General Lee on the Dukes of Hazzard). A few months later, dad also bought him a 71 Dodge Charger. They sold both of those cars and purchased my favorite of the rods, a 68 Cutlass Supreme Coupe. It was a beauty. Dad loved cars, too, so he indulged his inner child through us. Those were the days.

Frank is five years older than me and a couple of unexpected things happened during the time between his cars and mine: the building bust of the 80’s, dad sold everything and my parents moved back to their hometown to be closer to family. He opened a new insurance agency and my mom opened a retail clothing store. We are from coal mine country and there was a miner’s strike that lasted close to 18 months. Our local economy was in a shambles. They had to close the retail store at a significant loss. My mom got her first job outside of the family as an executive secretary so we could have money for college.

I had talked to dad for years about what kind of car I wanted. I really wanted a Corvette. In my mind, it didn’t have to be new, but somewhat new. (How generous of me.) So just before my 16th birthday, I started talking about my new ‘Vette. I thought I was entitled because of the precedents set with my brother and yet uninformed of my parents’ new economic changes since he started driving. Dad had to inform me that I would not be getting a Corvette, but he would buy me a nice used car. Being the 15 year old girl that I was (still naïve and not getting the message), I said that I would settle for a new Buick Regal. My dad was incensed and rightly so. He was furious with me and told me I was spoiled, to which I replied in my rebellious 15 year old voice, “Well, I didn’t get this way by myself.”

And as the old saying goes, “Aye, there’s the rub.”

In our current economy, we’ve become accustomed to the nicer things. As a nation, we’ve collectively purchased more on our credit cards that we should have. We have more credit cards than we should have. We don’t delay gratification by saving up to buy something. It has to be NOW! We’ve purchased homes we couldn’t afford. We trusted lawmakers to regulate fund managers and institutions who were making them rich. If we did happen to have enough discipline to invest in mutual funds, IRAs or 401k’s, we’ve sat watching that money evaporate over the last few months. We tried to keep up with the Joneses...and the Smiths, Copelands, Jordans, ad nauseum. Like the teenage me, we’re “spoiled”.

Finally, we are getting serious about tightening our belts. We are taking our finances seriously. Financial guru, Suze Orman, is talking about “How Much Can You Afford?”. Syndicated Radio Host, Dave Ramsey is talking about the benefits of being debt-free and cutting up the credit cards. Oprah is regularly hosting shows aimed at living within our means. Websites such as cheapskate.com and walletpop.com are getting record hits from consumers who want to know how to get out of the sea of debt and despair they’re in. People are admitting their financial crises and owning the responsibility. We are realizing that we have to be disciplined and discerning in all economies. We need to un-spoil ourselves.

Dad set off on a campaign to un-spoil me in the limited period of influence he had left on my teenage years. He humbled me by buying the ugliest car he could find-a ’71 AMC Matador. His plan included teaching me how to earn money. He got a great deal on my first car, and he allowed me to sell it at a profit and buy a nicer one at a good price. I did this seven times before I went off to college. I learned to search out a good deal and only buy when I could turn a profit. I kept trading up until I got a car I was proud of, a 4 year old Toyota Celica hatchback. I drove that car for four years. And though it was my nicest car as a teenager, the Matador is still my favorite car I ever owned to this day, because it represents a sense of accomplishment, my new skills of negotiation and strategic planning which serves me to this day.

As with all lessons learned, it helps to take the edge off by finding the humor in the situation. If you can, learn to laugh about this economy, and it will ease the pain of discomfort. My family and I have had exhaustive joke sessions at the expense of my old Matador. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the fact that my parents decided to not over-extend themselves just to indulge my selfishness. I am so thankful for parents who loved me enough to tell me when I was wrong and teach me a better way.

Forgiveness

I hope that you understand that I write this little column with the knowledge that I am a deeply flawed individual. Any courage I have in writing it comes from being self-aware and observant. In my younger years, I had a whole set of luggage dedicated to carrying grudges. Time and experience has given me the ability to weigh the value of letting things go.

So recently, when I was confronted with a little resentment popping up in my heart, I knew I had to deal with it immediately.

One of my former mentors always told me that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for me. Forgiveness cleanses the excess emotional baggage I may be carrying that keeps me from growing as a person, or it makes me bitter. I would bet that not one of us has the goal of being old and bitter. Have you ever met someone who at the end of their life has nothing positive to say? That is surely the result of collecting anger and resentment over a lifetime.

We have to remember that forgiveness doesn’t condone the behavior that wronged you. It doesn’t deny that you’ve been offended or take away responsibility from the other person. It is simply a decision to stop feeling resentful or angry. It is the ability to walk away from the need to exact punishment or vengeance.

Recently, I heard a speaker talk about the importance of forgiveness. He stated that it required compassion and action. We have to have the emotion of compassion toward the other person who has offended us, and we have to act by letting it go. If those two things are not present, then maybe forgiveness hasn’t occurred. You may be motivated to express forgiveness to the other person, and sometimes you may not have the opportunity. If someone who has wronged you is not around anymore, you can forgive and let it go. It can still be very cathartic.

I love the feeling of peace in my soul and lack of forgiveness causes too much unrest. It stresses me out, I feel tired and the fatigue shows up in the lines on my face. (Now there is a very compelling reason for forgiveness-the vanity of not wanting to age prematurely, if I haven’t convinced you already.)

I hope you are free from the chains of holding onto grudges. I hope you feel the calm of being at peace with others. That is my goal, too.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” – Carrie Fisher